have you met BOB?

I have so much BOB (baby on the brain) that I can’t even think in sentences.

I think I’m really pissed off that my body has let me down.  And I know I’m going to get more ammunition next week when the RE tells me what *else* is out of whack.  I’m pissed at it even thought it fought off cancer like a real hero and kept it away; and it stayed strong while I dabbled in an eating disorder.  But now….now I’m just pissed at it. 

I really want to get a hold of my life, but I just can’t motivate!  My thoughts *exhaust* me. BOB (baby on the brain) exhausts me!

But everything I do is baby related.  Wake up. pee on a stick.  drive to work with BOB.  Get to work and start researching all things BOB.  make appointments for bloods, acupuncture, therapy. Talk to friends who ask about whats going on. Drive home with BOB. and then wait for the next day for it to start again.  I believe some call it: obsessing.

My lack of productivity at work hasn’t been noticed.  I told my boss that I was bored at work today.  I’m thinking, maybe getting my mind re-engaged will be a good break from BOB.  It’ll take up some of the time (not all) I spend Googling everything fertility/ TTC related.  And yes, I think soon I will prove that in fact, you CAN run out of things to look up online.

So this is my half hearted attempt to figure out how to manage BOB.

1.  I will make time to get back into shape.  The current situation is bleak.

2. I won’t turn the TV on after work and watch rerun after rerun of SVU while BOBing

3. I WILL start engaging in things that are exciting for both me and DH.

GOAL: this week I'll make plans to visit friends in DC, start a sewing project and finish a book.  AND get to yoga.

4. I'll start productivly Blogging instead of BOBing

And before the night is over my lazy ass will get in the kitchen and make lunch to take to work tomorrow.  Ok time to turn off the computer.

Lend me your ears.....

A few thoughts that have been shaking around my head during my 3 hour commute this week:


Daydreams: When Brad Paisley's song comes on the radio, I think of what it would be like to have a baby boy.  And yes, since moving to the midwest, I am a die hard country music fan.  *sigh* 

Forgiving but not forgetting: A few months ago I was visiting a friend and got my period while I was at her house.  Got teary for about 5 minutes before I pulled myself together and put my big girl panties on.  She took an emotional poop on me that night for about 30 minutes; one of the many things said was that I am blowing my situation out of proportion and if things don't work out I could adopt.  I have forgiven her and made necessary excuses to justify what she said : post partum depression or maybe just selfishness.  I think I have forgiven her, but I don't think I can trust her with my heart anymore.  My friends are often the strength I need to make it through a bumpy day.  And to no fault of her own, I don't think she is cut out for that job.  A sad reality but a true one.


Wanting something so bad: Have you wanted something so bad, that you wonder if it's possible?  I worry about that sometimes.


Seriously?: A friend called me 3 months ago to tell me that her and her husband have decided to try and get pregnant and, being the resident expert, asked me what she needed to do.  I explained how to chart her cycle and calculate the day she ovulates.  It got to the point where it felt a little like a 'birds and bees' conversation her mother should have had a few decades ago with her.  And of course: 3 months later she calls to tell me she's pregnant.  SURPRISE.  Apparently she was pregnant but didn't know it.  I don't even know how that would work with me.  And since I'm at it.....  Same conversation with my SIL in February.  She said she had been trying but didn't know when she should be having sex.  I put my expert hat on.  And wait for it: She's pregnant.  SERIOUSLY????  Excuse me while I go ask god if I killed puppies in my previous life and am now being punished.

Happy hour at Walgreens!

Using sugar to sweeten the lemonade

Please tell me I'm not the only person who see's the humour in fertility abbreviations that have been set by our peers? I can only imagine my RE's reaction if I were to fill out a new patient form saying:
'My 'Dear Husand' and I have been doing the 'Baby Dance' for over a year and a half and still don't have a 'Big Fat Positive'. I have all my friends sending me 'Fertile Vibes' though.
Another one that makes me giggle is: LO: Love Olympics (sex)


If any of you are new to navigating fertility sites, here is a cheat sheet that I've used to become fluent in the lauguage.
http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/acronyms.html

Acupuncture anyone?

Let me start by saying, I will try anything to get pregnant at this point.  Over the next few weeks I'll go into other stuff I've dabbled in, but today I wanted to talk about acupuncture since my weekly appointment is tomorrow.
Though there isn't any scientific evidence that acupuncture can help with fertility, they don't say it can hurt.  And really, I do have a lot of faith in eastern medicine.
The first practitioner I visited was at a fertility clinic.  I went in and we spoke for 15 minutes; he asked a lot of questions about my period and said that I should continue through my first trimester.  When asked what my issue was I said I was trying to get pregnant and also wanted to work on reducing stress because I didn't want that getting in the way of my baby making.  Also, I am a cancer survivor and truly believe the cancer reared it's ugly head because of stress in my life.  He took me into a room that looked like a treatment room in a spa.  I took off my shirt and lay on my stomach and the practitioner placed about a dozen needles on my shoulders and back (where my muscles were tense from stress).  When a needle is first placed, it feels like you got zapped by a little current and then the sensation goes away.  He dimmed the lights and told me he'd come check on me in 30 minutes.
Something about acupuncture makes  you fall into a sleep; I had all kind of wacky dreams!  Anyway, end result; after my 30 minute session, my body felt really relaxed - as if I had a really good massage.  I was in a good mental place.  Each session would cost me $90.
My husband asked me to look on yelp to see if I could find someone cheaper; if I was going to go for treatment every week, this would really add up.  I found a great facility not too far from me that had a sliding scale and charged from $20-$40 per session.  The treatment room was also a communal facility; there were 5 reclining chairs in a room that had Chinese acupuncture posters on the wall: not a fancy place.  Apparently there is a theory that the communal space helps with healing.  The owner told me it also allows him to charge his patients less.
For my first appointment, I went and sat down in the empty chair in the room.  All the other chairs were taken and there was a sense of calm in the room (where people had needles coming out of them).  Anyway.  He asked me in a hushed tone what my issues were and I told him I was trying to get pregnant and reduce stress.  He said one thing that made me LOVE him:
'If you are stressed about getting pregnant, then lets get you pregnant; the stress will then go away". He was treating the problem and not one of the symptoms.
I am guessing there are many ways to practice acupuncture.  Instead of placing the needles in my back to assist with treating the stress, he placed the needles in my hands, feet and legs.  Maybe a total of 8.  He then asked me to relax and he'd be back in 30 minutes to remove the needles.  Sure enough, I fell into a light sleep and awoke 20 minutes later feeling really refreshed.
I have been going to David for about a month and a half; I don't know if it's working (I'm not pregnant yet), but I like the thought of him balancing my yin and yang :).  I also really enjoy my 30 minutes in the communal space; it's like taking a break from life.
So in summary: I would recommend acupuncture if for nothing else - peace of mind.  And don't feel obliged to go to a fertility specialist.  They are all treating the same thing.  If you find someone good someplace else that fits in your budget, stick to them.
Some other things I'm trying along with Clomid: Yoga and talking to a therapist.  Those help too.  What would really help is a baby.
PS here is where I go: http://www.squarenergy.com/ and David rocks!
Image of Acupuncture needles:

My TTC cycle

Once we started trying to get pregnant, GOOGLE and I became close. I think I have spent more time reading about trying to concieve that I thought possible. My husband pointed out I hadn't started a new book recently; who can with so much chatter to follow online. And there is a pattern: When I'm about to start my clomid cycle, my GOOGLE searches focus on clomid success rates. I read about the success stories and see if there is anything I can incorporate into my repitoire if you will. Then I shift gears and use every ovulation calculatorI can find online to see when I'm going to be 'most' fertile. Did I mention I already own a clear blue easy kit that I use every morning? A new obsession then takes off during my TWW; early signs of pregnancy. Whatever I am feeling, I GOOGLE to see if it's a pregnancy symptom. And I walk around poking my boobs to see if they are sore yet (early pregnancy symptom). Then I get my period. I allow for one day of moping, some bad TV and wine. Sometimes the tears spill into day two.

So to help some of you out, I'm listing out my most visited sites:

• Ovulation calculator from WebMD (I find this most reliable because it asks for the last three mensturation cycles: http://www.webmd.com/baby/healthtool-ovulation-calculator
• Babycenter has a group from called Clomid chicks. It's fun to read the success stories and gives me hope: http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6697565/clomid_cycle_chicks
• What to expect when you're expecting is also a great site for pregnancy symptoms: http://www.whattoexpect.com/what-to-expect/landing-page.aspx (if you had an iPhone, download their app; its free and has a calender to track your fertile days. I use it to make sure my husband is in town the days I'm green :))

Today I'm on day 10. It's time to log on and look for an ovulation calculator.

crossing the line

I don't know when I crossed the line from 'having fun trying' to knowing what a Mittelschmerz was.  But unfortunately it happened.  I will never be one of those women who was suprised to find out she was pregnant because her period was *three* weeks late, or the woman who concieves the month she stops using contraception.  No.  I'll never be that woman.  The free spirit who wears flowers in her hair and doesn't have a care in the world; who really means it when she says 'if its meant to be'.....Nope.  I'll be the one crouched over a spreadsheet calculating when I'm most 'fertile' and stressing about the what if's and the why not's life might pass my way. 


I've been told to just let it happen and go with the flow; that I stress and think about getting pregnant too much.  The truth is....I don't know how not to.  For the past year and a half I have followed the preconception diet and distanced myself from my best friend 'pino noir'; I've invested in the prenatals that I remember I was so excited to first start taking because it meant I was closer to having my baby.  I really *do* go to the gym instead of lying to the doctor when I check the 3-5 X/week box next to the exercise question, I leave work at home and most importantly, I have a lot of sex.  Hell, I'm healthier now that I've ever been.