crossing the line

I don't know when I crossed the line from 'having fun trying' to knowing what a Mittelschmerz was.  But unfortunately it happened.  I will never be one of those women who was suprised to find out she was pregnant because her period was *three* weeks late, or the woman who concieves the month she stops using contraception.  No.  I'll never be that woman.  The free spirit who wears flowers in her hair and doesn't have a care in the world; who really means it when she says 'if its meant to be'.....Nope.  I'll be the one crouched over a spreadsheet calculating when I'm most 'fertile' and stressing about the what if's and the why not's life might pass my way. 


I've been told to just let it happen and go with the flow; that I stress and think about getting pregnant too much.  The truth is....I don't know how not to.  For the past year and a half I have followed the preconception diet and distanced myself from my best friend 'pino noir'; I've invested in the prenatals that I remember I was so excited to first start taking because it meant I was closer to having my baby.  I really *do* go to the gym instead of lying to the doctor when I check the 3-5 X/week box next to the exercise question, I leave work at home and most importantly, I have a lot of sex.  Hell, I'm healthier now that I've ever been.